All my

Friends hate me. That is all.

Realization

I don't remember what you used to be like. I'm sick to my stomach...

Sad to see you so far away

I'm not sure why but I'm really sad about my friends departure. He left a while ago now but I just got sad about it out of the blue. Maybe it's because I know he's unhappy or maybe it's because I miss him. Maybe it's because we spent time recollecting and reminiscing or maybe it's because I miss his actual visit. All I know is that now I am sad and that is.. Sad. I wanna go back to the last night - not the stupid and irritating stuff, though - the moments of pure and real understanding and love between people who really don't know each other. I think that's why I'm saddest, because I feel so connected to someone who I don't even really know and it feels like no matter how much I want to learn about this person I haven't the time. If you know me you know that I love learning things about people. I love knowing favorite things like colors or candy or childhood memories, things you love or hate. What makes people tick. That sort of thing is so important to me, such a small bit of knowledge about someone can make all the difference in your friendship and the way you interact with the world. I just have so much warmth and love in my heart that I want to share - I wanna be everyone's best friend - and I think it gets me into trouble sometimes. I realized that no one else was asking questions like me and I wonder, "am I a wierdo?" I hope it's not weird to want to know things about the ones you love, even if you love them so dearly without having a whole lot of ground to love on. Such a weird thing, friendship. Just know I miss ya, friend.

Uneasy thoughts

If I didn't think suicide was so selfish and I didn't think that life could be really awesome I may have already killed myself. I know that's dramatic and vague but it's kind of seriously how I feel. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Every single thing that could be falling apart is trying to do just that. I am so absolutely blessed with such beautiful and wonderful friends but sometimes I just want to hop on a one-way flight straight out of here, never looking back with no regrets or remorse. Maybe Wayne has room for me on his ever-moving caravan? How do I make everyone happy in this life? Even more confusing, how do I make myself happy? I am immobilized by fear and pain and stress and an unstoppable loneliness and longing for help. I'm always the one who has to fix everything and I just wonder why that is. How is it always me?! I'm just so frustrated by it! I need HELP! I can't keep being the person who people look to in my family unit. I'm just a kid. It's something people forget, I'm just a kid. I'm still learning how to be alive I can't be held responsible for your lives too. I'm everyone's keeper and I'm about to collapse. I just want last weekend to come back where for once I felt like a normal young adult without the pain of being needed. It kills me. I'm just going to sleep forever at this point because I don't see what else there is to do. I am so broken I can't even cry because the tears aren't there. I just want to live well And be loved. Help me before I just run away and never look back.

never mind I'll find someone like you

but I won't actually and I'm more than okay with that.

Hopefully I will find someone with time for me, who cares more than a few words on a little screen - he'll bring me flowers, make me cards, tell me jokes, and give me dozens of hugs just because he wants to, because he wants to be near me.

This same person won't make me feel second best. They'll be warm and love to cuddle even though I pretend that I don't.

This mystery person will see that I want to take care of them and be there for them always. They'll see that I'm not judgmental and I just want someone to love and love me back.

This man will be just that - a man - not a coward or callus boy. He will smile at the glimpse of me and, although I'm not the most beautiful woman in any world, I will be in his.

He'll be patient with me and understand that I'm not the same as other girls. I am fragile in ways that most people are not and need a warm hand to hold when I'm feeling badly about that.

He will know just how important he is to me because he will allow me to show him and I would expect the same from him.

This boy won't make up excuses not to see me because he is scared to. He won't care for me sometimes from afar and expect me to be okay with it.

He will try to be gentle with my feelings and will always feel comfortable being himself.

He will want the best for me and will always be in my corner, hoping for me to succeed. He will understand when I am being bitchy that I'm just scared of everything he makes me feel and our arguments will be short-lived.

He will let me be silly and think that, although I hate it, my laugh is beautiful.

He will be open to my ideas and know that I will be open to his and we will have talks about the world we live in and where we fit into its makeup.

He'll kill my spiders for me and he will only make a little fun when I freak out because of them.

He won't want to be with any other girl and we will spend time together just getting to know each other all over again.

He will be one of my best friends and be courteous and wonderful to the people in my life that mean so much to me.

He will be sweet to my mother and grandmother and be warm toward my brother and dad.

He won't be afraid to speak his mind but he will know that I am the same way.

He'll make me dinner and let me do the same for him. We'll watch movies and laugh at the same parts.

He will let me stay the night with him when my house is too crazy and be understanding when I snore. He will hold my hand when we're driving and he'll let me take the long way home.

He will love music and art and we'll get into play fights about who's better: Foreigner or Journey.

He'll love my co-workers and the place I work for and he'll be respectful of my wishes.

All of these things, among many others, will be true but lastly,

He won't be you.

Distant

I find myself feeling distant these last few months. I am not okay with it. I am also not okay with the fact that I have a longing for something that never should have been to begin with. How am I supposed to be able to get over it if I wake from dreams on bitter nights so cozy from the memory? Awful. How on earth can I figure out a way to convince my brain that the words were just words and the feelings were all fabricated because at this point that must be true. I try all the time to reach out and being that it goes so unreciprocated I have to know that the former is true. Why?! Why did I let myself do that to myself? Every single step of the way I told myself not to do what I was doing - not to let my wall down but I did and here I am... hurting at 6am, the whole time you're warm as ever in your own little world. You're horrible and worst part is I know you're not thinking of me or feeling any kind of guilt. You're an honestly terrible person, I can hardly stand it.

A little chilly

It's been a little chilly these past few months. In more ways than one but I guess that's winter for you. The chill usually feels good on my skin as I'm usually quite warm but I'm having goose bumps more often lately. I'm really realizing that I don't have a good winter coat these days and I'm left to try and brave the cold without one. Luckily I have shelter but sometimes I feel frozen to the bone like I'll never get warm again. I find myself really hoping to wake up to spring and that breaks my heart. Winter used to be my favorite season because it wasn't so bleak back then but these days it's colder than it has ever been. There is more wet shoes and runny noses even though it's not raining and my eyes and skin are dull. It's getting to the point where I don't think I'll ever see spring or summer again and I'm scared. I wish someone was there to hold my hand when it's cold because then I'd at least be warm there. I miss being warm-handed. I miss smelling berries and burying my head in cotton. Things are usually different in the winter. Happy New Year.

nurture

I just want to be nurtured. I am very, very empty and even more tired. I have so much love in my life and I am so grateful but I am longing for something else. I just keep finding myself feeling very alone and unappreciated. I really want someone to love me enough to care for me when I feel this way. I don't mind being the person who helps everyone else, I really don't, I almost love it. I just find these feelings deep down inside of my very broken heart. I'm like a little kid in there, I just want to reach out and hug something and be hugged back - kind of like a baby to be honest. I realized this just now when I thought about my baby cousin Allie when I baby-sat last. She was so lonely and vulnerable when she woke up from her nap that all she wanted was to be held, at that point, she didn't even care who by. I picked her up and immediately there was a sigh of relief from her; comfort had been restored and she felt at ease. - I just need to be put at ease. I feel like the last time I felt this way was that stupid night I've come to regret. I find myself falling asleep wishing I was back there because, even if it was all false like I now believe it was, for just a short time someone put me at ease. I finally felt nurtured and safe and alive. I'm always on eggshells at home, trying to hold it all together for everyone here but really, underneath it all, I'm screaming. Mornings are hellacious as have been the past few nights and I am just scrambling. I can't help but feel alone even though this house is full. I can't help but grasp tight my stupid iPhone as if it has the answers to these feelings. Stupid letters on stupid screens get shot out across the bay area and the replies are falling short. I just wish I had stood my ground that night. I wish I hadn't said what I did because all I know is that I've ruined it all. I know I'm not supposed to say that because I really didn't do a whole bunch wrong but I feel that way. I just can't believe someone as "smart" as me was such a fool. I told him everything that I was afraid of and expected him not to do those things to me. I am a foolish, foolish girl. I am also foolish for caring still, but I guess that's what happens when your heart is involved. It's just sad that it has to be this way. I did it to myself, I suppose, in many ways of the phrase. I won't find something better anytime soon, either. And how could I expect it? I know why it's true and I could change it but it's just easier not to. I have said I'd change but it doesn't mean I will. I have decided copious times to stop living so scared but here I am, vulnerable. I ache for something or someone to make me feel like everything is going to be okay. I can hear it from certain people but they don't know. They have no idea. They're spending most of their time asking me if they are going to be okay so how in the world would they know my fate. It's not like they care too much, anyway, love them but it's true. Selfishness is a disease of youth. It's okay, I'm selfish too. I understand. I just want a warm heart to make me feel better. Every girl likes to feel protected and I've never had that. I have never felt safe - aside from those two stupid times - not in the way I wish to. I just want someone to care a fraction of how much I do, really. I'd stop the world for these people and most of them wouldn't even pause a movie for me. It is my nature, there isn't much I can do, but I'd love nothing more than to find someone like that to share some time with. I am so lonely in my own skin right now and I want some nurture. I'm usually ready to fix everyone and be their cheerleader but I'm on the bench today, coach. My battery has run dry, my heart is broken and I just want to feel safe for once. It's cold and so am I.

twenty eleven

twenty eleven, huh? Crazy. I can't believe it's been so long. Maybe I'll post more. Maybe I won't. I will. I absolutely will.

love&ecology

Morgan Eattock

Who I am sprouts from the green of the grass around me. Who I will be sprouts from the way the world embraces me. Who I need to understand comes from the love given to the environment from all of you. Who I live to learn from is the earth and love. Ecology is being oneself in a much more natural way. Ecology is becoming more and more important to me and it is taking me on a journey to appreciate the way I was raised and where I get to draw from inspirationally. I am learning that walking the open world alongside nature and the loves of my life is the best way. I am learning to reach out to those who otherwise would not know me and everyone deserves to be happy. I am recycling more than just aluminum- but my bad attitudes, my disgust, my discontent and unhappiness and all that’s in between. In return I’m learning to be and live the way the people before me did. Who needs material? Not I, I need love and ecology. I need to understand that I can change nothing alone- I can’t breathe in the air around me if I’m not going to do things to replenish it. I am gross to think in the way of the corporation and never should I feel that it’s okay to be negative. I need to embrace the things I do not- poverty is nothing but a struggle- and a struggle writes your life story. We’re all authors of our future and we should not take it fore granted. We are what we eat and we should not kill to do so. There is a deep love we should have and love to be a part of but we are not. We are wasting the land and resources in our lives and we’re spending too much money doing so. We should not be keeping “The Man” in power we should be keeping them in check. We are the world. We are the Americas. And we are failing if we keep it up. Everything is crumbling around us and we are too slow to jump to fix it. We should have started this revolution days and days ago. We needed to love before. Before this. Before we hit rock bottom. It is sad when the times are told to us in a Disney movie like Wall-E. we have to be shocked into change because we are such dreamers. Such non believers. Such nay-sayers and disregarders. We need to believe in the inevitable. We need to see the destruction. We are where we live. We need to love. We need to foresee and we need to foreshadow. What are we leaving our children? And theirs? And theirs? Where will this world be when we’re nothing but fertilizer? We need to pick up our shovels and build the city again. Ecology and love; the motto to live and breathe by. We show nothing but selfishness let us leave a legacy unlike any others. Let’s remake what we have ruined and let it be fresh again. We need to support the fight to keep us grounded- love is who we need to be. Know thy neighbor- trust thy neighbor and keep them close to you. Keep your heart open because we are nothing without each other. Music, love, ecology. Hearts will be empty. And souls will be unhappy. We need to pick up the pieces and glue it all back together. We need to be who we are. Cars are breaking us down faster than were breaking them down. The screws are loose in our heads and in our rides- we are intelligent and generic the statements we come up with have nothing to do with the problem and nothing to come from a solution. We are nothing without each other. We love who we want instead of the whole world and we are spiteful people. Relatively discomforted by the thought of togetherness and completely scared by the love of strangers. Love and ecology.

Freewrite 1. lyrics made into logical jabber.

lets stand on the rooftops and scream at the ones who hurt us most so the whole city can hear us.
In an ale of resolution I find the key to your mind. A sparkle of hope hidden in the wine glass that coats your insides.I decided to tell everyone I'm not sure whether the resignation stands but breaking hearts is still a hobby
My spare time is full of anonymous phone calls and my letters never reach the return address. The only thing worse than being forgotten is never being remembered at all Its not like you're talking my birthday away
But when you tear out the pieces of who I am you're nearly spelling my name wrong
Yellow lines look so much better in the bright lights
You see in technicalities and I see in technicolor
Matching isn't like marching in crooked lines
Fitting the moods of dozens pays your fines
Can we just rip up the tickets and go back
Turn around, if its the last thing I do you'll turn around – awkward pyro technics in a bathroom stall/Seems to bring us closer, sadly slower we fall
Slowed down pulses break our feet from the path
The same size doesn't meet the flag out at half mast.
Were goin back home through a black hole
You're never wrong enough to prove me right.
You take too many chances, miss so many chances but you make me feel classy tonight
Hold on while I pour my brother an STD.
Lets get drunk off nothing at all and lets laugh at different cancers.
The world is our oyster and the moon is our night light.
I finally see my mortality and it makes me weak and reckless
I need to sleep and calm these thoughts that leave me low and breathless
My favorite part of being talentless is the way I don't have to strive
There isn't much to improve on when you start with nothing
There's nothing left to make you cry
And the worst part is knowing all the answers
With a satellite telling me where to go to lose by default
Eyes wide shut closing tight my fist to hit hard against the sky.
Gimme more. No there's nothing left
The argument is simple the lies aren't all untrue
But when it comes to happiness its really hard to lose
The golden glow of nothing is surely set in sin
The pearly whites of no one are surely not of kin
She really is not fortunate "No really ur too kind"
The bank of 'she can't afford this' Straighten up that spine!
Its not like we can't replace what we've broken
I need to fight this sore- if the hurt isn't too deep I'm lost without feeling like I don't belong. Its daily here nor there but I'm not keeping score- The time is running out
And you're just running away
Youre a jill and your jack isn't quiet
He clinks with jose (now that's the spirit)

freewrite for English. ha

Nothing is ever what it seems- even if it seems to be such. I feel like today has been that day where I woke up alone and
excited. I never have understood being content with being friendless but that’s really it, isn’t it? I am not friendless like
I once thought- people care and understand who I am and why; they would just rather pretend to be opposed. They must be jealous-
at least that’s what I want to believe- or maybe it’s scary? I am opposed to their opposal if that’s even a word. I am afraid
of their fear. Who am I but a normal child of god or whoever the big cheese of E.A.R.T.H. really is. Who am I to see the world
differently, and gasp, how dare I! How dare I hold an opinion close to heart- how dare I breathe in as the rest of you breathe
out. Who dares to dance to a different number and frankly who dares to even hear the song? I am she who dares- she who feels
it necessary to be me. Know thyself and let thy known self be true- right. Wrong! Who dares cross my path. Who dares listen
and actually learn, and who dares to be alone and content. This is ignorance you are young and not in love? You have a level
head and understand the world around you! poo-poo as the baguettes would say- that’s untrue and undesirable. Why are you not
a dreamer, with star-crossed eyes? How dare you be the one and only and who says you may do what you do? Keep close, brown
eyes- you are sick! Role camera and be something eventful.
Tonight is the night I open my eyes and realize you are around me. I feel the comfort but I’m not exactly sure how to deal.
It tickles my fancy and keeps me company in the zooming twilight downtown. I am who I say I am. You say who I am so who are
you? I never have understood being afraid of the dark- its where you can be everything and nothing all at once. In the dark
I am alone but surrounded.
The sound is upon us and I hear it blankly. I feel it isn’t what I need, but who I want to be. The city lights are nice but
the calm nature of those around me make me sick. I need the noise. I need noise. Noise. Noise… I feel like I’m dead if its
silent and I surely am not dead yet. The groans of intestines like lawyers of time development make us sit at tables. Quieter
than normal you open my eyes to the way it is alone and content. Let me in. let me know. Let me in and open your eyes. I am
young and out of love. I am cold when its warm- and I know myself and so should you. I am epic and worthy of someone’s presence
and I want to be contained in myself alone without the loneliness. I need to understand where you’re coming from and I need
to go there, too. Let me leave and go there too. Are you there too? Am I welcome? You’re welcome. I’m there. Where are you?
The weather isn’t exactly what I hoped for. Jackets are for sissy’s. michelles a sissy. Hes a sissy. Be a sissy. Im less-sissy.
We were hungry. We were tired. The lines made monsters in my eyes. I need nothing. I need something. It’s cold outside and
the sky is black. Theres no stars. Theres one star. I’m longing for lonely.

oh bother.

My posts from blogs past are so obnoxious- gahlee how did anyone live with that. November has never been so beautiful- this November is so sunny and free I love it. I'm listening to MGMT and anyone who hasn't heard them should! They're so amazing and fun for me :) Lately I've been digging through old, disregarded MP3's and damn it's been fun for me. Know anything I should be absorbing into my auditory nerve? hit me up. So I'm becoming better friends with people lately. It's weird. I've gone through this entire "I Don't Give A Fuck" transition since Graduation and I really am beginning to like myself again. epic win. I convinced my boss it'd be a good idea to dye my hair- so that really helped in my quest to *heart* me. It's Deli's birthday today, I'm pretty excited for her. This blog is becoming a train-of-thought blog haha. Just constantly flowing, but whatever. Fuckin' MGMT is crazy right now, I'm listening to Time To Pretend and it's totally attacking my drug addict half
and fuckle JJ's about to be here.
<3you

duh dum duh duh dum dumm, dum duh dum duh dummm

yeah. that is my attempt at typing out how graduation music sounds.
what. the. fuck.
I'm so happy but so confused.
Today was really the last time I'm ever going to leave the ART room as a student. the last time I'll be leaving Kinsley's, too.
I'm stoked. I'm so happy. I haven't cried and I honestly don't think I will but damn, I sure am confused.

I'm spinning outta control

Dude what the fucking fuck.
I am |------| that close to killing myself
Not really, but I kinda wish I wanted suicide so that I could feel normal
Everything about me is so fucking different I don't fucking understand.
I'm so tired of people pointing it out, too...
I know I'm weird. I do.
I know I'm loud, you don't have to tell me.
Please stop pointing out what you think are flaws.
I'm just so run down from always being the ass of the jokes..the person you make fun of
Please just respect me
Please?

Every day I go through the hardest life you can imagine dude, and I still manage to be happy and laughable and all that- could we not do our best to drag me down?
Please?

I am on empty. I need something. I don't know what cause nothing's, and no one's, working.
I just can barely even breathe, and the people treating me like I am crazy aren't helping.

If I weren't me I'd want to be friends with me. Not cause I'm fun or interesting- but cause I give up so much and do so much for my friends happiness.
I've risked my job. My family. Money has been so tight but I still manage. I've stayed up all night doing something for them more times than I can count. I just wish the dedication was on both sides.

The only person who understands me anymore is forever away.
Why?
It hurts. Senior ditch day got changed, by the way guys.
It's Monday.
Someone fucking shoot me.
Please.

I wish I could just sleep forever.
I'm tired of the autism running my life. It hurts. I'm so fucking out of control- and I'm SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEGGING PEOPLE FOR FAVORS.
I don't want to do that anymore. I want nothing of that..but yet I end up calling.
Fuck. I should be sleeping- I have an assesment test tomorrow- which is going to fucking suck.
But I'll be in berkeley so I can get Craig a gift. Woop. I have no idea how I'm getting back to school- if I even am.
I may get stuck in Berk- who knows I tend to get stuck a lot.
Bloody hell.

Btw thank you kurt for the ride to work
And deli for the ride home
Without friends like you I don't know how I'd keep breathing.

there's a thin line between love and hate

these are the thoughts of last night:
"i'm just so done sometimes.
seriously. three years of cleaning up the mess you make and it still keeps coming.
i'm so, so, so done. fuck.
i try all the fucking time and it doesn't ever work.
stop. just fucking stop. i used to cry about you, you selfish little fuck.
i used to care.
i can't- scratch that
i won't
i fucking hate you for making me feel this way, you're a piece of shit.
i fucking hate you.
fuck."

Lucky for me, I'm okay now. Hello fellow bloggers, those who will not read this blog of hate and love.

"Hate & Love? Really?"
yes. really.
I hate my situation
but I love my life
I hate my friends when they make me sad
but I love them all the time
I hate my hair dyed brown
but I love getting money from work
I hate that graduation is far enough away to be mad
but I love that it's soon enough to count down
I hate how everyone (mostly) just randomly turned selfish
but I love knowing I am nothing like them
I hate my chipped tooth
but I love having teeth at all
I hate some of the creepers that I know
but I love them at the same time
I hate ending blogs short to go to burger king
but I love knowing I'll come home safe