nurture

I just want to be nurtured. I am very, very empty and even more tired. I have so much love in my life and I am so grateful but I am longing for something else. I just keep finding myself feeling very alone and unappreciated. I really want someone to love me enough to care for me when I feel this way. I don't mind being the person who helps everyone else, I really don't, I almost love it. I just find these feelings deep down inside of my very broken heart. I'm like a little kid in there, I just want to reach out and hug something and be hugged back - kind of like a baby to be honest. I realized this just now when I thought about my baby cousin Allie when I baby-sat last. She was so lonely and vulnerable when she woke up from her nap that all she wanted was to be held, at that point, she didn't even care who by. I picked her up and immediately there was a sigh of relief from her; comfort had been restored and she felt at ease. - I just need to be put at ease. I feel like the last time I felt this way was that stupid night I've come to regret. I find myself falling asleep wishing I was back there because, even if it was all false like I now believe it was, for just a short time someone put me at ease. I finally felt nurtured and safe and alive. I'm always on eggshells at home, trying to hold it all together for everyone here but really, underneath it all, I'm screaming. Mornings are hellacious as have been the past few nights and I am just scrambling. I can't help but feel alone even though this house is full. I can't help but grasp tight my stupid iPhone as if it has the answers to these feelings. Stupid letters on stupid screens get shot out across the bay area and the replies are falling short. I just wish I had stood my ground that night. I wish I hadn't said what I did because all I know is that I've ruined it all. I know I'm not supposed to say that because I really didn't do a whole bunch wrong but I feel that way. I just can't believe someone as "smart" as me was such a fool. I told him everything that I was afraid of and expected him not to do those things to me. I am a foolish, foolish girl. I am also foolish for caring still, but I guess that's what happens when your heart is involved. It's just sad that it has to be this way. I did it to myself, I suppose, in many ways of the phrase. I won't find something better anytime soon, either. And how could I expect it? I know why it's true and I could change it but it's just easier not to. I have said I'd change but it doesn't mean I will. I have decided copious times to stop living so scared but here I am, vulnerable. I ache for something or someone to make me feel like everything is going to be okay. I can hear it from certain people but they don't know. They have no idea. They're spending most of their time asking me if they are going to be okay so how in the world would they know my fate. It's not like they care too much, anyway, love them but it's true. Selfishness is a disease of youth. It's okay, I'm selfish too. I understand. I just want a warm heart to make me feel better. Every girl likes to feel protected and I've never had that. I have never felt safe - aside from those two stupid times - not in the way I wish to. I just want someone to care a fraction of how much I do, really. I'd stop the world for these people and most of them wouldn't even pause a movie for me. It is my nature, there isn't much I can do, but I'd love nothing more than to find someone like that to share some time with. I am so lonely in my own skin right now and I want some nurture. I'm usually ready to fix everyone and be their cheerleader but I'm on the bench today, coach. My battery has run dry, my heart is broken and I just want to feel safe for once. It's cold and so am I.