All my

Friends hate me. That is all.

Realization

I don't remember what you used to be like. I'm sick to my stomach...

Sad to see you so far away

I'm not sure why but I'm really sad about my friends departure. He left a while ago now but I just got sad about it out of the blue. Maybe it's because I know he's unhappy or maybe it's because I miss him. Maybe it's because we spent time recollecting and reminiscing or maybe it's because I miss his actual visit. All I know is that now I am sad and that is.. Sad. I wanna go back to the last night - not the stupid and irritating stuff, though - the moments of pure and real understanding and love between people who really don't know each other. I think that's why I'm saddest, because I feel so connected to someone who I don't even really know and it feels like no matter how much I want to learn about this person I haven't the time. If you know me you know that I love learning things about people. I love knowing favorite things like colors or candy or childhood memories, things you love or hate. What makes people tick. That sort of thing is so important to me, such a small bit of knowledge about someone can make all the difference in your friendship and the way you interact with the world. I just have so much warmth and love in my heart that I want to share - I wanna be everyone's best friend - and I think it gets me into trouble sometimes. I realized that no one else was asking questions like me and I wonder, "am I a wierdo?" I hope it's not weird to want to know things about the ones you love, even if you love them so dearly without having a whole lot of ground to love on. Such a weird thing, friendship. Just know I miss ya, friend.

Uneasy thoughts

If I didn't think suicide was so selfish and I didn't think that life could be really awesome I may have already killed myself. I know that's dramatic and vague but it's kind of seriously how I feel. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Every single thing that could be falling apart is trying to do just that. I am so absolutely blessed with such beautiful and wonderful friends but sometimes I just want to hop on a one-way flight straight out of here, never looking back with no regrets or remorse. Maybe Wayne has room for me on his ever-moving caravan? How do I make everyone happy in this life? Even more confusing, how do I make myself happy? I am immobilized by fear and pain and stress and an unstoppable loneliness and longing for help. I'm always the one who has to fix everything and I just wonder why that is. How is it always me?! I'm just so frustrated by it! I need HELP! I can't keep being the person who people look to in my family unit. I'm just a kid. It's something people forget, I'm just a kid. I'm still learning how to be alive I can't be held responsible for your lives too. I'm everyone's keeper and I'm about to collapse. I just want last weekend to come back where for once I felt like a normal young adult without the pain of being needed. It kills me. I'm just going to sleep forever at this point because I don't see what else there is to do. I am so broken I can't even cry because the tears aren't there. I just want to live well And be loved. Help me before I just run away and never look back.

never mind I'll find someone like you

but I won't actually and I'm more than okay with that.

Hopefully I will find someone with time for me, who cares more than a few words on a little screen - he'll bring me flowers, make me cards, tell me jokes, and give me dozens of hugs just because he wants to, because he wants to be near me.

This same person won't make me feel second best. They'll be warm and love to cuddle even though I pretend that I don't.

This mystery person will see that I want to take care of them and be there for them always. They'll see that I'm not judgmental and I just want someone to love and love me back.

This man will be just that - a man - not a coward or callus boy. He will smile at the glimpse of me and, although I'm not the most beautiful woman in any world, I will be in his.

He'll be patient with me and understand that I'm not the same as other girls. I am fragile in ways that most people are not and need a warm hand to hold when I'm feeling badly about that.

He will know just how important he is to me because he will allow me to show him and I would expect the same from him.

This boy won't make up excuses not to see me because he is scared to. He won't care for me sometimes from afar and expect me to be okay with it.

He will try to be gentle with my feelings and will always feel comfortable being himself.

He will want the best for me and will always be in my corner, hoping for me to succeed. He will understand when I am being bitchy that I'm just scared of everything he makes me feel and our arguments will be short-lived.

He will let me be silly and think that, although I hate it, my laugh is beautiful.

He will be open to my ideas and know that I will be open to his and we will have talks about the world we live in and where we fit into its makeup.

He'll kill my spiders for me and he will only make a little fun when I freak out because of them.

He won't want to be with any other girl and we will spend time together just getting to know each other all over again.

He will be one of my best friends and be courteous and wonderful to the people in my life that mean so much to me.

He will be sweet to my mother and grandmother and be warm toward my brother and dad.

He won't be afraid to speak his mind but he will know that I am the same way.

He'll make me dinner and let me do the same for him. We'll watch movies and laugh at the same parts.

He will let me stay the night with him when my house is too crazy and be understanding when I snore. He will hold my hand when we're driving and he'll let me take the long way home.

He will love music and art and we'll get into play fights about who's better: Foreigner or Journey.

He'll love my co-workers and the place I work for and he'll be respectful of my wishes.

All of these things, among many others, will be true but lastly,

He won't be you.

Distant

I find myself feeling distant these last few months. I am not okay with it. I am also not okay with the fact that I have a longing for something that never should have been to begin with. How am I supposed to be able to get over it if I wake from dreams on bitter nights so cozy from the memory? Awful. How on earth can I figure out a way to convince my brain that the words were just words and the feelings were all fabricated because at this point that must be true. I try all the time to reach out and being that it goes so unreciprocated I have to know that the former is true. Why?! Why did I let myself do that to myself? Every single step of the way I told myself not to do what I was doing - not to let my wall down but I did and here I am... hurting at 6am, the whole time you're warm as ever in your own little world. You're horrible and worst part is I know you're not thinking of me or feeling any kind of guilt. You're an honestly terrible person, I can hardly stand it.

A little chilly

It's been a little chilly these past few months. In more ways than one but I guess that's winter for you. The chill usually feels good on my skin as I'm usually quite warm but I'm having goose bumps more often lately. I'm really realizing that I don't have a good winter coat these days and I'm left to try and brave the cold without one. Luckily I have shelter but sometimes I feel frozen to the bone like I'll never get warm again. I find myself really hoping to wake up to spring and that breaks my heart. Winter used to be my favorite season because it wasn't so bleak back then but these days it's colder than it has ever been. There is more wet shoes and runny noses even though it's not raining and my eyes and skin are dull. It's getting to the point where I don't think I'll ever see spring or summer again and I'm scared. I wish someone was there to hold my hand when it's cold because then I'd at least be warm there. I miss being warm-handed. I miss smelling berries and burying my head in cotton. Things are usually different in the winter. Happy New Year.

nurture

I just want to be nurtured. I am very, very empty and even more tired. I have so much love in my life and I am so grateful but I am longing for something else. I just keep finding myself feeling very alone and unappreciated. I really want someone to love me enough to care for me when I feel this way. I don't mind being the person who helps everyone else, I really don't, I almost love it. I just find these feelings deep down inside of my very broken heart. I'm like a little kid in there, I just want to reach out and hug something and be hugged back - kind of like a baby to be honest. I realized this just now when I thought about my baby cousin Allie when I baby-sat last. She was so lonely and vulnerable when she woke up from her nap that all she wanted was to be held, at that point, she didn't even care who by. I picked her up and immediately there was a sigh of relief from her; comfort had been restored and she felt at ease. - I just need to be put at ease. I feel like the last time I felt this way was that stupid night I've come to regret. I find myself falling asleep wishing I was back there because, even if it was all false like I now believe it was, for just a short time someone put me at ease. I finally felt nurtured and safe and alive. I'm always on eggshells at home, trying to hold it all together for everyone here but really, underneath it all, I'm screaming. Mornings are hellacious as have been the past few nights and I am just scrambling. I can't help but feel alone even though this house is full. I can't help but grasp tight my stupid iPhone as if it has the answers to these feelings. Stupid letters on stupid screens get shot out across the bay area and the replies are falling short. I just wish I had stood my ground that night. I wish I hadn't said what I did because all I know is that I've ruined it all. I know I'm not supposed to say that because I really didn't do a whole bunch wrong but I feel that way. I just can't believe someone as "smart" as me was such a fool. I told him everything that I was afraid of and expected him not to do those things to me. I am a foolish, foolish girl. I am also foolish for caring still, but I guess that's what happens when your heart is involved. It's just sad that it has to be this way. I did it to myself, I suppose, in many ways of the phrase. I won't find something better anytime soon, either. And how could I expect it? I know why it's true and I could change it but it's just easier not to. I have said I'd change but it doesn't mean I will. I have decided copious times to stop living so scared but here I am, vulnerable. I ache for something or someone to make me feel like everything is going to be okay. I can hear it from certain people but they don't know. They have no idea. They're spending most of their time asking me if they are going to be okay so how in the world would they know my fate. It's not like they care too much, anyway, love them but it's true. Selfishness is a disease of youth. It's okay, I'm selfish too. I understand. I just want a warm heart to make me feel better. Every girl likes to feel protected and I've never had that. I have never felt safe - aside from those two stupid times - not in the way I wish to. I just want someone to care a fraction of how much I do, really. I'd stop the world for these people and most of them wouldn't even pause a movie for me. It is my nature, there isn't much I can do, but I'd love nothing more than to find someone like that to share some time with. I am so lonely in my own skin right now and I want some nurture. I'm usually ready to fix everyone and be their cheerleader but I'm on the bench today, coach. My battery has run dry, my heart is broken and I just want to feel safe for once. It's cold and so am I.