oh bother.

My posts from blogs past are so obnoxious- gahlee how did anyone live with that. November has never been so beautiful- this November is so sunny and free I love it. I'm listening to MGMT and anyone who hasn't heard them should! They're so amazing and fun for me :) Lately I've been digging through old, disregarded MP3's and damn it's been fun for me. Know anything I should be absorbing into my auditory nerve? hit me up. So I'm becoming better friends with people lately. It's weird. I've gone through this entire "I Don't Give A Fuck" transition since Graduation and I really am beginning to like myself again. epic win. I convinced my boss it'd be a good idea to dye my hair- so that really helped in my quest to *heart* me. It's Deli's birthday today, I'm pretty excited for her. This blog is becoming a train-of-thought blog haha. Just constantly flowing, but whatever. Fuckin' MGMT is crazy right now, I'm listening to Time To Pretend and it's totally attacking my drug addict half
and fuckle JJ's about to be here.
<3you

duh dum duh duh dum dumm, dum duh dum duh dummm

yeah. that is my attempt at typing out how graduation music sounds.
what. the. fuck.
I'm so happy but so confused.
Today was really the last time I'm ever going to leave the ART room as a student. the last time I'll be leaving Kinsley's, too.
I'm stoked. I'm so happy. I haven't cried and I honestly don't think I will but damn, I sure am confused.

I'm spinning outta control

Dude what the fucking fuck.
I am |------| that close to killing myself
Not really, but I kinda wish I wanted suicide so that I could feel normal
Everything about me is so fucking different I don't fucking understand.
I'm so tired of people pointing it out, too...
I know I'm weird. I do.
I know I'm loud, you don't have to tell me.
Please stop pointing out what you think are flaws.
I'm just so run down from always being the ass of the jokes..the person you make fun of
Please just respect me
Please?

Every day I go through the hardest life you can imagine dude, and I still manage to be happy and laughable and all that- could we not do our best to drag me down?
Please?

I am on empty. I need something. I don't know what cause nothing's, and no one's, working.
I just can barely even breathe, and the people treating me like I am crazy aren't helping.

If I weren't me I'd want to be friends with me. Not cause I'm fun or interesting- but cause I give up so much and do so much for my friends happiness.
I've risked my job. My family. Money has been so tight but I still manage. I've stayed up all night doing something for them more times than I can count. I just wish the dedication was on both sides.

The only person who understands me anymore is forever away.
Why?
It hurts. Senior ditch day got changed, by the way guys.
It's Monday.
Someone fucking shoot me.
Please.

I wish I could just sleep forever.
I'm tired of the autism running my life. It hurts. I'm so fucking out of control- and I'm SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEGGING PEOPLE FOR FAVORS.
I don't want to do that anymore. I want nothing of that..but yet I end up calling.
Fuck. I should be sleeping- I have an assesment test tomorrow- which is going to fucking suck.
But I'll be in berkeley so I can get Craig a gift. Woop. I have no idea how I'm getting back to school- if I even am.
I may get stuck in Berk- who knows I tend to get stuck a lot.
Bloody hell.

Btw thank you kurt for the ride to work
And deli for the ride home
Without friends like you I don't know how I'd keep breathing.

there's a thin line between love and hate

these are the thoughts of last night:
"i'm just so done sometimes.
seriously. three years of cleaning up the mess you make and it still keeps coming.
i'm so, so, so done. fuck.
i try all the fucking time and it doesn't ever work.
stop. just fucking stop. i used to cry about you, you selfish little fuck.
i used to care.
i can't- scratch that
i won't
i fucking hate you for making me feel this way, you're a piece of shit.
i fucking hate you.
fuck."

Lucky for me, I'm okay now. Hello fellow bloggers, those who will not read this blog of hate and love.

"Hate & Love? Really?"
yes. really.
I hate my situation
but I love my life
I hate my friends when they make me sad
but I love them all the time
I hate my hair dyed brown
but I love getting money from work
I hate that graduation is far enough away to be mad
but I love that it's soon enough to count down
I hate how everyone (mostly) just randomly turned selfish
but I love knowing I am nothing like them
I hate my chipped tooth
but I love having teeth at all
I hate some of the creepers that I know
but I love them at the same time
I hate ending blogs short to go to burger king
but I love knowing I'll come home safe