All my

Friends hate me. That is all.

Realization

I don't remember what you used to be like. I'm sick to my stomach...

Sad to see you so far away

I'm not sure why but I'm really sad about my friends departure. He left a while ago now but I just got sad about it out of the blue. Maybe it's because I know he's unhappy or maybe it's because I miss him. Maybe it's because we spent time recollecting and reminiscing or maybe it's because I miss his actual visit. All I know is that now I am sad and that is.. Sad. I wanna go back to the last night - not the stupid and irritating stuff, though - the moments of pure and real understanding and love between people who really don't know each other. I think that's why I'm saddest, because I feel so connected to someone who I don't even really know and it feels like no matter how much I want to learn about this person I haven't the time. If you know me you know that I love learning things about people. I love knowing favorite things like colors or candy or childhood memories, things you love or hate. What makes people tick. That sort of thing is so important to me, such a small bit of knowledge about someone can make all the difference in your friendship and the way you interact with the world. I just have so much warmth and love in my heart that I want to share - I wanna be everyone's best friend - and I think it gets me into trouble sometimes. I realized that no one else was asking questions like me and I wonder, "am I a wierdo?" I hope it's not weird to want to know things about the ones you love, even if you love them so dearly without having a whole lot of ground to love on. Such a weird thing, friendship. Just know I miss ya, friend.

Uneasy thoughts

If I didn't think suicide was so selfish and I didn't think that life could be really awesome I may have already killed myself. I know that's dramatic and vague but it's kind of seriously how I feel. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Every single thing that could be falling apart is trying to do just that. I am so absolutely blessed with such beautiful and wonderful friends but sometimes I just want to hop on a one-way flight straight out of here, never looking back with no regrets or remorse. Maybe Wayne has room for me on his ever-moving caravan? How do I make everyone happy in this life? Even more confusing, how do I make myself happy? I am immobilized by fear and pain and stress and an unstoppable loneliness and longing for help. I'm always the one who has to fix everything and I just wonder why that is. How is it always me?! I'm just so frustrated by it! I need HELP! I can't keep being the person who people look to in my family unit. I'm just a kid. It's something people forget, I'm just a kid. I'm still learning how to be alive I can't be held responsible for your lives too. I'm everyone's keeper and I'm about to collapse. I just want last weekend to come back where for once I felt like a normal young adult without the pain of being needed. It kills me. I'm just going to sleep forever at this point because I don't see what else there is to do. I am so broken I can't even cry because the tears aren't there. I just want to live well And be loved. Help me before I just run away and never look back.